audrey caroline

(I wrote this like a month ago..I have some continued thoughts at the end.)

If you have ever been cliff jumping before, you probably know that inner struggle when you are about to jump and your nerves and brain are making you hesitate and second guess, but your body ends up rebelling and just going for it anyways. Well, maybe that isn’t you, but at least that is how my mind and body work. Everything inside of me tells me not to do it, so somehow I just force my legs to start running, overriding all other signals, and just JUMP.

Usually when you are about to do something “crazy” or out of your comfort zone or something that makes everything inside of you say, “HOLY MOSES! I’m scared!” you just have to come to the point where you choose to do it anyways. Sometimes those moments come when you need to speak to someone you’d rather avoid, or when you are jumping cliffs, or out of planes, or public speaking, or confessing sin, or starting a new career, or maybe when you decide to go to India for 3 months.

The reality of this adventure is slowly, very slowly starting to sink in as the time for my departure on September 3^rd gets nearer. And as it is becoming more of a reality, the more my human nature tenses up and becomes scared. I can honestly say it is completely and only God who has put the desire in me to do this. He is the force behind my efforts to prepare for this trip. He is the one who led me to e-mail Katie Beth in the first place. He is the one who made my parents completely supportive of the whole idea with zero hesitation. He is the one who moved several of my friends and family to give financially to make this possible. By myself, I could not have gotten anywhere. He opened and is still opening doors for me… and I, ONLY because of God, am walking through them. So I just want to stop really quick and thank God for being the driving force behind literally everything!! Thank you God!

I think it is interesting how I try to fight off my fear and apprehension about this trip. I don’t really want people to know that I feel that way. Typically you think of people who do long-term mission trips to places like India or wherever as fearless, thrill-welcoming people. They might be slightly more on that side of the pendulum… But I am going to venture to say that every single human being gets a little bit nervous, scared, or fearful of big changes and big adventures. Sometimes I am tempted to act like that fearless person, but I have realized that I don’t really have to do that. I just have to choose to go. I just have to go and God will do the rest. I think everyone needs to do things that make a zillion butterflies enter your stomach to the point where you want to throw up. I mean we are human. It is natural to “feel” certain ways. But a life with God calls for many things that transcend our human nature. Through the Spirit of God, we go beyond our natural limits. That is part of the whole posture of a Christian: less me, more God. As that transformation occurs, we transcend typical reactions to events. We transcend typical, normal relations with family, friends, co-workers, and enemies. We transcend the natural and normal by showing contentment in all situations, by being the first person to forgive, by really loving people that are unlovable. I think so many people say no to the calling of God because they are overcome with fear. But because of our trust in God and the work of His Spirit, we are called to transcend fear. Fear isn’t bad unless it stops you from moving with God. Yes, I am scared. No lie. But, I am still going. Moses, Jonah, and Abraham, to name a few, were scared, but they went.  Even JESUS asked his Father to intervene and take the cup from him, but he still said regardless YOUR will be done. We are called to transcend human nature as Christians, and we can only do that through the power of the Spirit…

One question I will never forget that Dave, one of the preachers at my church, asked us was, “Have you ever prayed for God to put you in a position of complete trust in Him? Where you had nothing to lean on except God?” I never had. But I have now. I think that when we come upon these big moments in our lives (which you can completely avoid them if you want. It is possible), we naturally are filled with fear and apprehension. But the outcome is NOT up to us. We are merely called to go. We are called to transcend our human nature that is screaming at us to stay back, and just GO. The rest is up God. That’s it. I am excited to know what God has in store for these three months. I have no expectations. I only know that I am nervous, that God is GOOD, and I am leaving on September 3rd!

Pray for us please…for our humility and submission for God to be the driving force! And also for yourself, that through the Spirit of God, you will be able to transcend your human nature that lets fear stop you and live an unpredictable, crazy life with God. Thanks for reading.

Today 8/21/11: I spent a lot of the summer evaluating/analyzing my feelings on this trip…am I nervous, excited, regretful, pumped, etc? But I had a “revelation” the other day. I was thinking about calling and being called to do things by God… and in a sense I feel like I have been called to do this. The path to this trip has been so perfectly laid out and honestly, I promise, Caroline Morris by herself would never put forth the efforts to do something like this…so it has got to be God. So… if I have been called to do this by God, I realized…my feelings/doubts/emotions don’t really matter. Abraham was called to leave his normal, comfortable life to go to Ur. The Bible never says how he felt about it, but I’m sure he had his feelings/thoughts. There is a peace in knowing I have been called. It really makes all the bipolar feelings about this trip just go away. God has called me. So I will go… anticipating God’s awesome plans whatever they may be. This isn’t about me at all. I’m just a worker. It’s just one tiny detail of God’s huge story/plan/kingdom thing.